


"Charlie Is A Whore"

by forthekidswhoaintgotnosoul



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, Kinda, Miscommunication, Vomit, bit of angst, but never happens on screen, canon-typical bigotry, everyone loves charlie, hints at ace charlie, im rly just projecting how i feel abt romance and sex on him lmao, kinda??, no incest. dennis and dee won't fuck in here. fuck no., sex is mentioned / hinted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-25
Packaged: 2019-05-09 13:14:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14716743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forthekidswhoaintgotnosoul/pseuds/forthekidswhoaintgotnosoul
Summary: Charlie and Dennis have been fucking. So have Charlie and Mac. And Charlie and Dee. It's just that none of them know the others have had sex with Charlie too.





	1. I don't know how to spell clichee

**Author's Note:**

> i watched all twelve seasons in a week and now i don't know what to do with my life, so i'm just gonna keep writing about charlie getting banged !

"Dude, I just don't get why we are doing this here", Charlie sighs, nervously chewing on his finger nail. "I mean, a motel room? That's soo clichee"

Dennis takes a huge gulp of his beer to make very clear that he is not drunk enough for this yet.

"We are doing this here", he explains, licking his lips "Because you live with Frank and I live with Mac AND Dee now, and I don't want any of them to find out"

"Okay, okay, but please stop doing that thing"

"What thing?"

"Your whole seduction thing. You don't need to seduce me, dude"

"I'm not -"

"You're leaning in the door frame like this is a high school movie" Charlie rolls his eyes  
"And stop licking your lips, it creeps me out"

Dennis quickly tries - and fails - to appear more casual. It just makes him look really stiff and awkward, like a virgin.

"Listen, how about you just give me my stuff and we do this", Charlie offers.  
Dennis tosses him an orange bottle of prescription meds and sits down next to him, quickly emptying his beer  
"Thanks, by the way, this is great. I haven't gotten any sex in weeks, man - which is really weird, I don't know what's wrong with the girls recently"

Charlie ignores Dennis babbling, pulling him closer and getting his hand into his pants.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever"

 

 

 

Charlie feels like he has gotten maybe fifteen minutes of sleep, when the door bell rings.

"Not locked!" He yells and Mac comes in, carrying a huge brown paper bag.

"What's that?" Charlie asks, slurring slightly from sleepiness.

Mac throws himself on the couch next to Charlie.

"Where's Frank?" Charlie asks again.

"I, uhh, said he was needed in the bar" Mac admits.

"Why?"

"Well, I thought it could be just you and me for a bit", Mac shrugs, but doesn't look at Charlie.

He starts emptying his paper bag onto the mattress, revealing a few bottles of glue, a six pack, two bags of chips, an "Avengers" DVD and ... condoms. Oh. Charlie sees where this is going now.

He accepts the beer Mac hands him and watches as he prepares the glue. Charlie's glad Mac bought some cause he tends to buy the wrong one.  
The labels look the same, okay.

After they've popped in the DVD and have both sniffed a decent amount of glue, Mac's hand quickly ends up on Charlie's thigh.  
"I thought this wouldn't be a thing anymore" Charlie admits, as he watches Mac's hand crawl up his leg with slight indifference.  
"Why? Don't you like it?" Mac asks, looking at Charlie with big, scared eyes.

"Nah, that's not it" Charlie laughs nervously and enhales some more glue "I just thought - now that you're out ... you don't need to do this anymore"

Mac turns to face Charlie "You thought we - we were fucking cause I couldn't admit I was gay? Cause there is just no way us fucking is straight" He laughs, like he wasn't the one no-homoing this shit since high school.  
"Sorry to burst your bubble, but us fucking makes you pretty not-straight, bro"

Charlie really doesn't feel like having this discussion "Okay, okay" he raises his hands in defence. "It's still a thing"

Mac grins and leans over to press a quick kiss to Charlie's lips.


	2. I forgot how conversations work so I made up a word

"Yo, Dee, can I bum a cig?", he grins sheepishly. Dee sighs, but hands him one and lights it once he's gotten it between his lips.  
"Don't expect to be able to steal my cigarettes forever, Charlie" she says "If this is gonna be a habit, you'll have to sustain it yourself"

"I can steal them from Frank", he shrugs.

"Or steal them from Frank" she agrees.

They silently smoke in the back alley for a bit. Charlie feels Dee's gaze on him once he stomped out his cigarette on the ground.  
When he turns to face her, her face is really close to his. Something like a smile forms on his face and he closes the gap between them.

Dee tastes like smoke and something sweet.   
Maybe her lipgloss. He wonders if he could get his hands on some of it, it seems to be super tasty.

Charlie is still not really big into the kissing thing. It's wet and kinda lame, but he's gotten used to it.

They've been doing this for months now. It's kind of weird but at least they've worked out a way to make out that works for them by now.  
Not too much spit on Dee's part, and not too much pressure on Charlie's to avoid beard burn.  
Her thigh is on his hip, and her hand goes behind his head almost automatically.

The back door flies open and they manage to part just in time, before Dennis spots them right behind it.

"What are you doing?", he asks way too casually.  
"Smoking" Dee says. Which is not a lie.  
Dennis rolls his eyes "I'm not gonna get into this argument right now - Charlie, can I borrow you for a sec? We got some Charlie Work"

Ignoring Dee's dissappointed look, Charlie follows Dennis inside.

"So, what's up?" he asks Dennis "Rats? Pipes? The generator?"  
Dennis cautiously looks around them. "None of that", he mutters absentmindedly.

"But -"

"There is no Charlie Work. I made that up" Dennis snaps, opening the door to the back office and dragging Charlie in.

He immediatly locks the door behind him, double checking if it really is shut.

"What -" Charlie doesn't get the time to finish his sentence, because Dennis is pressing him up against the wall, kissing his way down his neck.

 

 

When Charlie finally makes it home, he immediatly collapses on the couch, cursing into the pillow.

He is tired. 

He has no idea how people have actual relationships, because even his three horny friends are proving to be too much for him right now.

He doesn't mind the sex and making out that much, and he always gets something out of it too - prescription meds, glue, cigarettes -, but it is happening to often at this point.

"You good?" Frank asks, pushing Charlie's legs from the couch to sit down.

"Yeah, yeah", he mutters, curling into a ball to allow Frank more space without getting into an uncomfortable position.  
"Just need a beer or something"

To his surprise Frank hands him a cool bottle.

"Wow, thanks" Charlie sits up just enough to not spill too much of the beer on himself.

For a second he feels the urge to tell Frank about his problem, but, no. 

He promised Dennis not to tell anyone, and Mac might be out now, but Charlie isn't sure if he'd be comfortable with people knowing he was hooking up with a guy since he was fifteen. And admitting to making out with Dee would earn him neverending teasing.  
No, these are his little secrets, and it has to stay this way.

"Thanks, man", he says again, just to fill up the silence between them.  
Frank shrugs "You look like shit. You look like you've come out on the bottomside of the gangbang"

Charlie sighs, popping open the bottle "Not sure bottomside is a thing, man"

"Oh, you wouldn't believe what I've seen and participated in in the nineties"

"Don't wanna hear it", Charlie agrees and starts chugging his beer.


	3. I don’t wanna write this story in present tense but I gotta finish what I started

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote the last bit high on glue so this is like - the real sunny experience right there lmao  
> check out my tumblr @70srog

“Charlie we have a problem”

“Do we?” he tries to focus on what’s coming out of Dennis’ mouth but his brain is not cooperating today.  
“Yes!”, Dennis hisses, checking behind them if no one else of the gang is at the bar right now. Feeling Charlie’s focus drift away he quickly gets back to the topic “You forgot your sweatshirt at my place!”

“So what?”

“You left evidence!” Dennis is making way too big of a deal out of this, Charlie thinks.

“Just give it back to me, man”, he shrugs.

“I can’t!” Dennis is near shouting by now. He really needs to work on his anger issues.

“And why’s that?” Charlie asks, sipping his beer. He should offer Dennis a beer too, he really seems like he could use one.

“Dee took it! She said she’s give it to you”

Charlie still doesn’t see the problem.  
It takes him a few moments to realize that it might be one for Dennis though.  
Charlie doesn’t remember much of yesterday because he was really high on the meds Dennis got him (that do not go well with beer, that much he knows now), but he’s pretty sure he was at Dee and Dennis and Mac’s apartment at least twice.  
Dee is just going to think Charlie forgot it when he was there with her when Mac and Dennis went out to the movies.  
But Dennis thinks Charlie forgot it when Dee left to go to her stand-up night and Mac went to the rainbow, and Dennis banged Charlie in the kitchen.

This is getting real confusing.

“I’m over at your place all the time”, he tries to comfort Dennis “She’ll just think I forgot it a few days ago or something”

Dennis sighs “I don’t think that’ll work, Charlie. You wore that thing all day yesterday”

“And you think Dee cared?”

Dennis shrugs. “Good point”

Charlie sighs in relief.

He really doesn’t feel like he can keep this thing going much longer.  
Banging isn’t fun if it’s so stressful.

He just needs to get away from his friends for a while.  
Just a few hours with no one who is interested in his dick around.

 

“Are you avoiding me?”

Charlie rolls his eyes but thank god Dee can’t see him, as they are talking on the phone right now.

“No”, he says. He is high as shit right now and feels good for the first time in weeks, so if Dee is going to drag him down like this, he might just end the call.

“Promise?”, she asks again, doubt so prominent in her voice he can hear it through the shitty phone speakers.  
“Promise”, he says, trying to sound sincere.

He does feel kind of bad for all of this. He was the one who couldn’t find a better way to tell his friends he loved them all then sleeping with them.

The feeling only lasts for a second though.

“Wanna come over?”, Dee chirps. “Pick up your hoodie and stuff”

Charlie wonders if all people sounded like love-sick teens out of a nineties movie when they wanted to fuck or if it was a Reynolds twins thing.

“Sure”, he mutters. And he really means it too.  
But he feels so heavy all of the sudden. Maybe it’s the meds kicking in.

Before he can tell what’s happening, Charlie is asleep.


	4. I cant write long stuff so shits going down now

Dee is awkward and stiff around him the next day. And that’s really dumb cause if she is going to be pissed about him missing out on one goddamn meeting, it defeats the entire purpose of friends with benefits (even if that’s not the official term they are on).

He finally manages to get some alone time with her by following her out on her smoke break. She prefers to smoke outside, for whatever reason.

“Listen”, he says “I’m sorry, okay. I feel asleep”

“Whatever, Charlie” she turns her head and pointedly stares at the brick wall across of them. Something tells Charlie he isn’t going to get any cigarettes out of her today.

Well, fuck this. 

He turns on his heel to go back into the bar. 

He manages to catch ten minutes of quiet before Mac is all over him.   
“We should have another movie night”, he suggests.   
“Sure”, Charlie mutters, not having it in him today to get excited over it “Sure. I’ll come over”

 

When he cleans up after closing time he finds a pack of Camels with four cigarettes inside. He is pretty sure that’s the best part of his day so far.

He smokes two of them on the way to his friends’ apartment.   
He has been drinking more than usual all day to fight the heavy feeling in his chest. A feeling he used to get before quizzes and gym class – stuff he really didn’t want to do. But instead he now experiences it at the thought of hanging out with his friends.  
Which is fucking stupid in his opinion, because he always spends most of his time with them, so he decides to drink the feeling away.

By the time he arrives at the apartment, he can’t walk straight anymore. He has lost count of how many beers and shots he had today, or even just before leaving the bar, and drank a bottle of two dollar wine on the walk here. 

Whatever. 

Dee opens the door and the second she sees him, she frowns “Charlie, what the fuck are you doing here?”, she hisses

“Shut up, bird”, he slurs, pushing right past her “I’m here for Mac, we’re gonna bang”

 

 

Charlie wakes up with the taste of vomit in his mouth and an awful headache. The light stings when he opens his eyes.

Yep, he is definitely hungover as shit. 

He forces himself to sit up and almost throws up. He is in Mac’s room. So far so good. 

The door opens and Mac comes in “Morning, slut”, he grins “Just checking if you haven’t died yet”

If Charlie wasn’t feeling like death, he would be confused about the nickname, because Mac would never openly calm him something that implied they hooked up. But his horrible headache is kind of preventing him from thinking.

When he doesn’t react to the greeting, Mac laughs and asks “Do you remember anything about last night”

Charlie shrugs. Absolutely not. 

Mac laughs even louder “It was absolutely hilarious. Dennis and Dee still can’t look each other in the eyes”

Now Charlie is very confused. The fuck did he do? 

Mac throws himself onto the bed and crosses his arms behind his head. He seems to be having the time of his life. 

Dee and Dennis burst into the room and the yelling that breaks out pretty much immediately makes Charlie’s headache worse. 

All he can make out is “What the fuck, Charlie”, “I’m gonna murder you, you piece of shit” and “Cockslut”  
Oh god, he is going to throw up again, isn’t he?  
Charlie bolts out of the room, to the bathroom and throws up pure bile. 

“Murder me”, he thinks to himself, flushes and turns to face his friend (are they?), who followed him to gloat. 

“He doesn’t remember a thing”, Mac says kind of unnecessarily, still more amused than anything. 

Dennis looks like he wants to continue yelling, but Charlie finally manages to say something. “Can you just tell me what happened, instead of yelling?”, he groans, resting his throbbing forehead against the toilet.

“Well”, Mac sits crosslegged on the floor, “You waltzed in here, drunk as shit, and told the whole world you are a huge slut”  
“Actually”, Dee adds, sitting down next to Dennis on the edge of the bath tub “You just told me you were banging Mac and then passed out. But turns out” She stifles a gag “you were fucking Dennis, too, right, Charlie? And me…”

Charlie grins awkwardly “Kinda”, he admits, trying to sit up straight to appear like he has any dignity left. It’s a lost battle, to be honest.

“There was nothing “kinda” about us having sex, Charlie!”, Dennis yells. And people say Charlie has no indoor voice …  
“It was absolutely amazing, passionate –“ “You were paying me in prescription meds”, Charlie cuts him off, mostly just because he can’t take much more yelling without throwing up again.

It shuts up Dennis pretty well. Mac and Dee break out into laughter. 

“You guys gave me stuff too”, he adds. This thing is ruined anyway, he might as well make sure he doesn’t look like the only idiot.

“You weren’t honestly banging all three of us for cigarettes and beer and shit, were you?”, Dee asks in disbelief. She gags again “God, the thought of having fucked the same person, as Dennis…”, she wipes her chin with her sleeve.

“Absolutely disgusting”, Dennis agrees.

“Oh, c’mon, you bang siblings all the time”, Charlie argues. 

“It’s not the same thing”, Dennis tells him, like that makes any sense “You banged my bird of a sister, Charlie”

He gets up and leaves the cramped bathroom. Dee follows him shortly after, and so does Mac. 

Charlie feels like shit.  
Physically, but also inside. He hadn’t wanted for any of this to happen. This huge sex mess had been torturing him for the past few weeks.   
Fuck. 

He stumbles out of the bathroom (he should rethink the whole God thing. He was definitely paying for his sins right now). His friends are all in the kitchen, very awkwardly avoiding each other while making breakfast. 

Charlie takes a deep breath. The next thing is not easy.

“I’m sorry guys”

All three of them turn to look at him suspiciously. Charlie sighs “I’m sorry”, he repeats “for sleeping with all of you … without you knowing”  
“Yeah, you really shouldn’t have done it”, Dee agrees and Mac and Dennis nod.  
“To be fair it was a non-commitment thing – three things”  
More nods, this time more reluctant, with side glances thrown each other. It creeps Charlie out just a bit, how murderous his friends seem for a second. The air is thick with tension.

“I did it … because I love all three of you, guys”, he shrugs and awkwardly looks at his hands.  
“Is – Is that a confession?”, Dee asks after a terrible silence, “because, Charlie –“

“Ew, no”, Charlie agrees quickly, “I didn’t mean it like that”

“Well, how did you mean it?”, Mac asks. The three all look very confused and it’s starting to smell like burned toast. 

“As friends!”, Charlie doesn’t understand how that’s not very, very obvious “You guys are all my friends and you all wanted sex, so I figured…”, he shrugs again.

Dee stares at him with her mouth wide open, Dennis smirks and still looks pissed, Mac seems content for some reason.   
“I guess… I guess that’s kind of sweet”, Dee mumbles.   
“You are fucking weird”, Dennis sighs. The other two nod again. 

For a few seconds they all just stare at each other, smiling this time. 

“Well, I’m definitely not having sex with someone who banged my twin, ever again”, Dee says. “Same”, Dennis agrees.   
“Sure”, Charlie shrugs and sits down at the breakfast table “I think your breakfast is burning” 

After they have avoided burning down Dee’s apartment as well, the three eat breakfast, while Charlie watches them and tries not to puke.   
“Just one more thing, before we forget about this forever”, Dee says with a mouthful of scrambled egg “How come you thought sex was an appropriate way to show us you friendship”  
“I thought you were gonna ask about how fucks best”, Dennis mumbles. 

Charlie ignores Dennis’ question (that was probably burning inside of him, but Charlie didn’t want another screaming match, not today) “It’s just sex”, he explains “It’s no big deal”

“Not sure about that”, Mac says.

Charlie shrugs. Sex is no big deal to him. It’s like grocery shopping or mopping the floor. You just do it.  
“I don’t even like sex”, he mumbles “But you guys did, and again, to me, no big deal”  
He sips his coffee – wonderful, caffeinated life elixir. 

“Are you, like, an asexual?”, Dee asks, genuinely curious.

“Charlie’s not a plant!”, Mac snaps. 

“That’s not what I meant -“, Dee tries to argue, but everyone is already ignoring her. 

They spend another few hours at the apartment, according to Dennis to practice “being around Charlie platonically again”. He is probably still hoping to coax out of him who is the best lover, before they drop the topic, but Charlie is just glad he gets to simply hang with his friends again.

 

 

When they get to the bar he drinks a few beers to help his hangover and disappears into the basement to deal with the rats and joins Dee on her smoke break later on.

As good as it feels to get back to normality, he is really glad when this horrible day finally ends and it’s just Frank and him.

“It’s been ages since we hung out”, Frank says, “You’ve been at the guys all the time recently”

“Yeah”, Charlie crawls to his side of the bed and yawns “I think that’s over now”

“Cool”, Frank puts away his toe knife and gets ready for bed as well “Cool” 

Charlie is almost drifted off when Frank finally lies down, but his roommate pokes him in the side “Wanna play nightcrawlers?”, he whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end of the being frank ep is the cutest thing evr so thts kinda what im going 4 here.......  
> soo thats it. its very rare that i finish a work at all and ik my limits so i knew this had 2 end soon if i wanted to really end it properly,,, thank yall A LOT 4 reading!!


End file.
